Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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