So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
