she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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