Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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