Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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