I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
