new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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