Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
