he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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