a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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