Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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