she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
