Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
