Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
