Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
