I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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