Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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