I cannot find my penis.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
