you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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