Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
being pregnant is like rehab
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
