at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
