Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
