I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
