So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
