Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
