Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
