I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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