i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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