Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
