she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
