All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
