my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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