had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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