please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
