i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
