Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
