My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
