Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
