My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
