Are we in a gay sports bar?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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