i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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