Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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