I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
