That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
