im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
two words: eviction party
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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