Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
