Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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