i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
