Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
