just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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