Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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