Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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