Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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