At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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