I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
