Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
