Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
