everyone is single if you try hard enough
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover