Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia