If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...