she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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